A note of explanation: Dominus is a boy scout. As such, he has the requisite Scouting addiction to Corned Beef Hash. Anywhere we go to eat, if it's got hash on the menu, I immediately know what my husband will be ordering, no matter what else they may serve. Seriously, he loves the stuff so much that from time to time, he'll scratch the hash itch with tinned. Clearly, this was a situation I could not abide. I mean, if you're gonna feed your monkey, feed it the good stuff, right? So here's what we're having for breakfast today.* Go to your deli, and ask for a butt end of corned beef. Anything over a quarter of a pound is great, and they don't need to slice it for you. You'll be mincing it up at home yourself.
* If you are pork-compliant, then chop up three good, fatty strips of bacon, and put them in a BIG, flat-bottomed pan on low heat. (The object here is to render their fat, not to cook the bacon; cooking the bacon is a side effect of the rendering.)
* If you are pork-resistant, then do the 2 - 1 mix of olive and sesame oils here, to add the smoky taste of the bacon.
* Peel a few cloves of garlic, and crush them with the flat of your knife. Throw those in with the bacon to render.
* go out to the sage bushes, and get a handful of fresh leaves. Throw those in whole too.
* Add a generous drizzle of oil into the pan to help the bacon give it up in case it's a bit chary. I think I put about two tablespoons of olive (because I keep olive oil ready to hand. You can use whatever kind of oil you fancy, really.)
* Rough-chop a medium onion (red ones are tastiest!) and enough potatoes to match volume, then half again. In my kitchen, that was three small blue potatoes, and one large red. (I have goth tubers. No one's surprised, I know.) You want to cut them fairly large, but fairly thin -- that is to say, quarter each potato longways, and then slice the pieces about half an inch thick at most. They need to be large enough that they'll hold together, but thin enough to cook all the way through. In my case, the blue potatoes were a bit elderly, so they didn't need any pre-cooking, but I slung the red in the microwave for two turns at 30 seconds apiece, so its texture would match the others. You do as you see fit.
* Take your biggest kitchen knife -- this is the time to break out your cleaver, if you've got one, -- hack your corned beef into crumbles. There's no rhyme or reason to this, you just whack away, and try not to let it fly all over the place.
* Once the bacon's not showing any white anymore (that is, all its fatty rind should now be caramel coloured and kind of translucent) you can dump the onion, potatoes, and beef into the pot. If you don't have enough oil to
lightly coat everything, then add just a little more, but otherwise, just turn the lot to get it evenly mixed and coated, throw in salt and pepper to taste, pat it all down flat in the pan, and walk away.
* Ignore the sizzling, and the searing smells from the pan for a good long time. Hash is SUPPOSED to be kind of scorchy and burny, remember? If it really distressed you, you can fuss it about for awhile first, to try and get everything to cook up, but that's kind of redundant, since you're going to settle it to scorch soon anyway, and when you flip it over to do the other side, everything else will cook up then.
* Fry up an egg for each person you'll be feeding. (From our stovetop, it looks like this is going to feed four, which means two for us today, and two lunches for Dominus later on.) Scrape all the good stuff up from the bottom of the pan, and ladle the hash into the plates, then slap the egg on top.
* Serve with tabasco, worchestershire sauce, and ketchup on the table, but don't be surprised if your guests don't even notice they're there all.
* Make this noise: OM NOM NOM!!!
* Wish you were eating breakfast with Clue and Dominus today!
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